“Why Am I Still Single” 23 Reasons Why
You’ve probably asked yourself “why am I still single?” But do you really want to know why you’re still single? Pretty much every woman will tell you they’re a good woman but can’t figure out why they can’t get or keep a good man. Here’s what I’m willing to bet; the people closest to you are probably too afraid to tell you why you’re still single or they’re just as clueless as you are.
So you tell yourself; “The Lord is preparing my husband for me” Or “my time hasn’t come yet” or some other nonsense. Here’s the truth, those phrases are just excuses you’ve made for not taking the time to do some self-reflection.
Here’s a question… If you believe “the Lord is preparing your husband” or “it’s not your time”, then why are you dating? Why are you even looking for someone? If you knew it wasn’t your time then why wouldn’t you know when it is the right time?
To me, this creates an internal conflict and causes an unbalanced approach to dating and relationships. You could meet someone tomorrow and it probably wouldn’t work out because you’re out of sync because you have the wrong mentality. I couldn’t even tell you the number of women who believe they found the right man and the same outcome happens over and over again.
I get it, the church and “relationship experts” tell you to just keep praying and believing that the right man will see you and fall in love. They create false hopes and expectations that things will eventually work out, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t.
Here’s what the scripture says Proverbs 4:7-8:
“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all of your getting, get understanding. 8. Exalt her, and she will promote you; she will bring you honor, when you embrace her.”
Notice that it doesn’t say anything about more self-love, love, faith, or anything like that. It tells you to actively seek to understand and become wise about the subject. And in this blog post, you will gain more wisdom into the reasons why you’re still single. (*Warning; Get ready because you might not like what you’re about to read.)
1. Your Attitude Sucks
You have a bad attitude about men, love, relationships. You will cuss a blankety-blank out in a second! And you think that it’s okay when you’re frustrated. For most guys that wouldn’t be a problem because they grew up around frustrated women. But spiritually mature men want peace and won’t settle for anything less. Attitude creates energy around us, even if you present a different version of who you are, your attitude will always get the best of you.
You can’t dress it up because our attitude speaks before we even say one word.
Mean-spirited and spiteful attitudes push people away and contribute even more to your already bad attitude. The cycle just continues.
2. You Fear Being Heartbroken Again
Fear is one of the main reasons you’re single. Not being able to express yourself because of fear that a man might look at you in a bad light will eventually make him look at you in a bad light. As humans, we can tell when something is off and when someone isn’t saying what’s needed to be said and start to question them.
This has nothing to do with attitude but self-expression and allowing the other person in on who we are. When you fear that your heart will be broken you tend to present a false idea of who you are. So yes fear will keep you single or in a cycle of bad relationships that end up breaking your heart.
3. You Present a False Narrative About Yourself
This also goes into fear because most women want to present this false narrative that they have a squeaky clean past. Then once in a relationship, they slowly drip out the truth and make a man feel like everything about you was false. The perfect example is April Kepner from Grey’s Anatomy played by Sarah Drew. In season 9 she starts dating Matthew the paramedic.
She paints a false narrative to him that she’s also a virgin and he falls in love with the picture she painted of herself. Well in episode 20 she comes clean about it and he decides to go break up with her. They eventually get back together but things are always bumpy between them. The moral to the story is presenting a false idea of who you want to be doesn’t allow someone to get to know the real you.
It only brings a lot of disharmony to a relationship and presents you as someone you’re not. This is the perfect recipe for staying single.
4. You Don’t Know Yourself
One day you want to be single and the next day you want to be in a relationship… Make up your mind! This back and forth keeps you stuck and causes you to push the right guy away. Not knowing what you want stems from your fear of being hurt again. Knowing yourself and what you have to offer will keep you balanced when it comes to dating.
The only way to achieve this is to do some self-reflecting to get to know who you are and why you’re that way. Don’t expect to wake up the next day full of enlightenment and self-realization, this process takes time and comes together in pieces. Eventually, you’ll start to realize who you are and why you have been attracting relationships that end up failing.
5. You’re Still Stuck on Your Ex
You haven’t let them go! Being stuck on an ex is being stuck in the past and more than likely he and the relationship isn’t coming back. And even if it does, it won’t be the same… Why? Because things have changed, including the two of you. Most people who try to relive the past end up getting burned twice or end up forcing things.
Not to mention if you were hurt in the process you will want to force him to repair the damage. Moving on is the best thing to do in most situations but you will only look for your ex in a new guy that might be better suited for who and where you are at this moment.
Plus no one likes to be compared to an ex. Whether spoken or unspoken, it’s unfair and unrealistic to try to measure up to someone who left or broke up with you. Doing this guarantees history repeating itself and being stuck in an endless hope loop that always ends in disappointment.
6. You Don’t Understand the Purpose of Dating
Dating is the process of getting to know someone who could potentially be the person to spend the rest of your life with. However, I think there’s a better way to approach dating. Who are you best suited for? What strengths and weaknesses do you have that will complement the right relationship?
This is a better way to look at the dating process. It takes a lot of the pressure off of trying to look for a flawless person. In actuality, you have to look for both but you have to know yourself well enough to make a decision that will work long term. In The Husband Material Guide, I explain dating not only for what you can get but what you have to offer. Knowing what you have and what you have to offer allows you to see the other person’s potential to grow and change over time.
When you don’t know where the two of you are going, eventually you will start to drift apart. So approach dating from the perspective of getting to know someone at their present stage of life, but also where they intend on going and what it will look like. That way you save yourself a lot of heartaches, in the long run, no matter how good they look on paper.
7. You Don’t Keep Your Word to Yourself
Expecting others to keep their word to you when you don’t even keep your word to yourself is crazy. People do it all the time though, especially in relationships. If you told yourself you’re going to work out 3 times a week in January and in March you haven’t worked out since January you don’t keep your word.
How can you expect someone else to do for you what you can’t do for yourself? You might think that it’s different when it comes to relationships and when you’re in love you do what you say for the other person. That means that you value what other people think of you more than you think of yourself!
No wonder you end up in relationships that suck! I hate to break it to you like that but I told you this is the truth. You have to value your world to yourself more than you value your word to others. I’m sure you’ve heard that people can only treat you the way you let them. But truthfully people treat you the way they see you treat yourself.
This mentality contributes to a cycle of bad relationships because you will always see others taking you for granted. They won’t stick around because you don’t even value yourself enough to keep your word to yourself.
8. Your Choice in Men Sucks
You choose losers because you have a loser mentality when it comes to men. So many women want “good men” but wouldn’t know a good man if he walked up to you and said hello in heaven! Just be honest with yourself and say that you don’t know how to pick a good man. At least you have a starting point.
Another thing is you think you can build a man meaning you know the guys you choose are no good but you want to take a no-good man and make him a good man. It ain’t happening! People have to make decisions every day and the consequences that come with those choices are what you get when you are in a relationship with them.
The bottom line is if he wanted to be a good man, he would’ve already been one. Guess what… Most men know that they don’t have to be good men because they know the type of woman that you are would never choose them. So of course they are going to be what gets you. So you can’t blame all men when all you want is a no-good man, that’s on you!
9. You Have Superficial Standards
You want a man with money, baby hair, dreds, tattoos, no kids, muscles, a beard, nice hands, nice teeth, no felonies, single, abs, a nice chest, has a nice place, a nice car, a good job or business, pay for dates, plans dates, is articulate, nice, can put you in your place, supportive, tall, well endowed, and attractive!
And all you want to do is look cute… Hilarious! Well, sweetheart good luck with that. You’re about as likely to find a man like that as you are to find a billion dollars on the floor at Walmart. I’m all for having standards and all but when they’re superficial or unrealistic all I can do is shake my head.
The truth is the reason why your standards are “high” is that you’d rather be unrealistic than wrong! Meaning you’d rather have standards so high that you can always say you settled for a man who wasn’t what you truly wanted.
10. You Have Low Standards
On the flip side, you don’t want much for yourself because you know you will never get it. You’ve come to expect nothing from men because you think that men are no good anyway. The problem you’ll never meet a man worth having with that attitude either because you can only attract what you’re comfortable having.
Raising your standards doesn’t mean you have to have everything in the world. It just means that you’ve set an ideal based on what you want and could see yourself having in the long run. I get it, if you have no standards then you won’t be disappointed. But think about it we are all motivated by standards, especially when we want to become better.
We do it all the time by looking on Instagram and saying “body goals” or “relationship goals” these are standards that we desire. True you can have superficial or unrealistic standards and they both will cause you to be single. You would think that having low standards would get you into a relationship, the truth is they don’t. Not a good one anyway.
No one wants somebody anyone could get, that defeats the purpose of a relationship. Men want someone that they know is hard for others to get. Standards should be set but they shouldn’t be used in place of fear of missing out just because you’re tired of being alone.
11. You Don’t Take Accountability For Your Short Comings
You can blame everyone else for your experiences in life or you can finally take some accountability, this is the only way to truly change your circumstances. Blame is something that people will never run out of. Not taking accountability isn’t going to make things better for you, in fact, it only makes them worse. You’ll just find someone else to blame for the things that will happen in the future.
Sure things happen in life that you can’t take accountability for. Like a horrible childhood, I feel bad that things like that happened to you and so do other people but that’s about all we can do. Most people don’t want to see other people struggle (I know I don’t) but there’s only a limited amount of things we can do.
So many people love staying in the victim position because of the sympathy they get from others, which causes them to always look for others to blame for their horrible outcomes. Taking accountability empowers you to no longer be the victim of your circumstances. There’s always something you could’ve done differently or better and this is the mark of someone worth being in a relationship with.
12. Your Idea of Love is Wrong
“Love hurts”, “love is pain”, “love is love”, “love is bliss”, all of these types of sayings only make it harder to find and know when you’re in love. People want to feel like their in love and have come to conclusions about what it is when they find it. But if your idea of love is wrong you will force feelings that are not real.
I get it, everyone defines love differently but when you have the wrong idea of what love is supposed to be you will try to push feelings on others that they don’t want. For example, when I was single I would meet women who wanted exciting love. They wanted to argue and fight because that’s how they defined being in love.
Not I! Love is the process of constantly getting to know someone and consistently being interested in their progression through life. I’m not going to fight with the person I love I’m going to seek peace and harmony with them. So, if a woman believes that love is hard, then she always finds herself in relationships with people who make love hard. They ultimately end up single or in a relationship full of misery.
13. You Don’t Have Time
How can you expect to meet someone when you don’t have time? You’ve buried yourself in work or business. I get it, you want to be successful and financially free no problem but you have to open up to allow someone in. I had this same mentality at certain times but once I opened myself up to meeting someone while building my businesses, it gave me a more well-rounded life.
No one wants to have all of the wonderful things in life and no one to share them with. Oftentimes we bury ourselves in work because we don’t want to be distracted. This is because we think that relationships are a burden and only hinder us but the right person is an asset, not a liability.
14. You Believe You’ll Never Find The Right Person
Many women consider themselves to be hopeless romantics which is a contradiction in my opinion. Especially if you’re actively dating, your chance of meeting the right person is hopeless but you still want it. Saying that to yourself over and over again etches in your mind that the right person is never going to find you.
Again, this comes from a cycle of failed relationships and seeing other women struggle to find their prince charming. The right person is out there but if you have the hopeless romantic mentality you will subconsciously push them away thinking it’s too good to be true.
This goes back to an internal conflict that most people have when it comes to relationships. On one hand, they continue to date and look for the right person but internally they don’t believe they will ever find them. Even if they are presented to you.
15. You Have Anger Issues
You’re always mad when things don’t go your way and since your past relationships haven’t gone the way want them to go, you’ve become angry at the whole process. You try to cover it up and be nice for a while, but going back to attitude, you can’t hide it. Life doesn’t go as planned and people make decisions that affect you but you can’t control that either. But you have to learn to forgive and go roll with the punches.
I know it can be hard to do that. But the only way to truly move on is to let go of anger and allow things outside of your control to be as they are.
“Don’t let your spirit rush to be angry, for anger abides in the heart of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:9
This means that it’s foolish to harbor anger within yourself, especially if it’s because of the choices of others. Anger is a losing battle and people rarely take time to look at themselves and the damage they’ve done to others. If you’re not careful you will end up taking your anger for a specific man and applying it to all men.
16. You have Control Issues
This comes from your fear of being heartbroken again. You want to be in control because you don’t ever want to feel pain. Control has a strange way of making you feel empowered but it weakens you because you overwork yourself trying to make other people be someone they’re not. This causes you to surround yourself with people who you really don’t know or trust and it ends up spilling into a relationship.
You want to make sure that your relationship is safe and that disappointment never happens again. But disappointments happen, over and over again because you don’t understand how to connect within a relationship in a personable way. Meaning, as time and relationships change you place your expectations on others in hopes that they comply. Compliance takes the personality and connection out of a relationship.
People genuinely change when they believe they’re making changes of their own free will not appeasing another. Initially, in getting to know someone we all want to be accomodating and open. We want the other person to know that they matter to us but over time we start to feel that we’ve lost ourselves and have become someone we’re genuinely not.
Allow people to be who they are and accept them! Of course, you should let the other person know how we feel and our preferences. But change is a process and should be given time and the opportunity to evolve into someone who can accommodate the things you want. Ultimately they are an individual and a relationship is a journey of two lives as one.
17. You Move Too Fast
As soon as an attractive guy looks in your direction you say “I do!” Your feelings become involved too quickly and the next thing you know you’re in love. I understand, you want to be loved so bad that you jump the gun and start catching feelings for guys you barely know. Having chemistry with someone is one thing but that’s just the start of a connection. Liking someone doesn’t mean you will be with them.
This type of energy makes a guy run away faster than Usain Bolt! You don’t want someone to feel pressured to have to manufacture feelings for you. Eventually, they will leave and look for a genuine connection with someone else. Most of the time guys are just being nice to get your draws off not to be your one and only.
I always say: “There’s one nightstand and then there are many nights stands.” (Get it? I hope you caught that double entendre) Just because guys stick around for a while doesn’t mean it’s genuine, they just don’t know how to say you shouldn’t like me as much as you do.
Moving too fast will cause you to be the main one doing the work in a relationship, you’ll find that the other person has no intentions of doing anything required to make a relationship function properly. Let it be mutual and be patient.
18. You’re Spiteful
“If men do it, why can’t I?” It makes no sense to take out your frustrations on everyone because you choose the wrong people to associate yourself with. This includes men and women. You know what they say “birds of a feather flock together” and “hurt people, hurt people.” When you’ve been hurt so many times you begin to want to deal out some damage.
As soon as someone does something remotely close to what you think they’re about to do, you go into offensive mode. Before you get hurt you’re going to get back at them. This is a horrible place to be in matters of the heart. You end up in nothing but toxic situations with people who are just as sick as you are.
Not to mention, your friends all share similar experiences they advise you to “get them back.” Well, good luck with that! You will never attract a healthy relationship with a spiteful mentality. The scripture says it like this:
Do not say, “I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.” Proverbs 24:29
19. You’re Too Clingy
You want to be in love so badly that you force it and don’t give him time to even breathe because you feel that any kind of distance is a sign that something is wrong. You do everything you can to keep his attention on you. Guys know when they’re being a crutch and hate it! This will certainly cause a guy to ghost you or make up the best excuses for why they can’t spend time with you anymore.
It would crush you if he told you the truth, it would be too painful. The only logical thing to do is vanish from the face of the earth. You want men to know you’re a good catch but it ends up being too much too soon. Just relax and be cool, the right guy will give you mutual energy. Just don’t be too burnt out from getting hurt when he finally does arrive.
20. You Don’t Trust Men
You’ve been hurt too many times and want nothing to do with men. You decided you’d rather be single than lied to, cheated on, or not appreciated. Ok… I get it but that’s with the men you find yourself falling for or other men that have been in your life. I had a friend tell me that all men are good for is having sex with after I took her through a coaching exercise. It was good for her because, at her core, she didn’t trust men.
It was so much pain attached to men that had been in her life. Two things were common in every one of her relationships with men; they all ended and she ended up being depressed. I had to get her to see that this feeling was a recurring theme in her life, from her father to her ex-husband. They all had the same thing in common–expectations that turned into disappointment.
If at the core of who you are, you don’t trust men you will never attract a man who worthy enough for you to truly let your guard down. You will always look for something to be suspicious about because you don’t believe that there’s really a man you can trust with your heart.
I don’t mean every man, maybe you did have a good relationship with your father or uncle, but they’re not who I’m talking about. The men you find yourself falling in love with. If all of them have ended in heartbreak, then you probably don’t trust men at this point.
21. You Don’t Trust Yourself
As a result of constantly being hurt by different men, you’ve started to not trust yourself and your choices in men. I’ve seen women try and change up the things that they want in men. All the guys you’ve been in relationships with had low haircuts so now they want a guy with dreds. Or all the guys were tall and wore a size 13+ shoe, now they only men who wear a size smaller than 11.
Your choices are a reflection of who you are and what you believe, not someone’s outer appearance. It always ends up being the same guy but with dreds and wearing a size 10-1/2 shoe.
The moral of the story is you don’t trust yourself because your decisions in matters of the heart have always been the wrong ones. You’ve been hurt too many times and now your ability to choose is questionable. This is why at the start of this blog post I mentioned Proverbs 4:7-8 because it’s about getting wisdom and understanding mainly about yourself.
Only then will you be able to make better decisions on who to trust your heart with and how it’s supposed to feel. Without being able to trust your decisions how can you trust the decisions of others to have your best interest? You can’t!
22. You’re Too Independent
You can be too independent! Don’t argue with me… Seriously though, I get being independent and not wanting to come across as needy but sheesh, most “independent” women fall into the “I don’t trust men” category. You don’t want him to think that you can’t do anything without him. But you gotta let a brotha in or you’ll stay single.
There’s another term for women that are too independent; single! To even be in a relationship you have to give up your independence, especially in marriage, being independent is a one-way ticket to divorce court. The truth is men want to feel wanted and NEEDED! What can he do for a woman that’s too independent? Support her? How?
She’s already closed the door for a man to prove himself to be trustworthy. Here’s how men think; if you’re independent why do you need me? If you can find a way to not need me for anything else other than support, then why not become independent in that area also?
Last year I had a conversation with a group of women and they all said “I don’t need a man, I want a man” they didn’t want to appear weak. But the crazy thing is they all are divorced or have broken up from their partners since. Men want to feel like there’s space in your life for them, without it, they will find something or someone else who does.
23. You Haven’t Taken Time to Heal
I can’t stress the importance of taking the time to heal from past relationship pain. For one thing, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to relationships. The other thing is you take what you experienced in the previous relationship and bring it into this new relationship. That’s not fair to the other person, but it’s really not fair for you either.
Unless you heal, any new relationship you enter will get the version of you from the previous person. They will not get a chance to see the real you because the real you isn’t there, what they get is you that’s been contaminated from your previous relationship.
The reason it didn’t work, the arguments, the patterns all come with you from the old relationship. It’s like phantom limb pain where someone whose limb has been amputated still feels pain from the limb that isn’t there anymore. This is what happens when you don’t take the time to adjust and move on.
Not only is it not fair, but it’s also a repellant to a healthy relationship. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is trying me out until they get over their ex. You have to take time off from a relationship to start building a life based on you now as an individual, not who you were when you were with your ex.
Being single isn’t a curse, it’s a blessing in disguise when you know the purpose of it. When you’re single that is the time to prepare for the relationship that will be the ideal one for you. If you find that you keep running into the same problem in dating and relationships time and time again then it’s time to look in the mirror.
I can promise you that there are some conflicts in the way you view yourself, relationships, and men that stop you from attracting the right person. Which one(s) best describe you? How do you plan on changing and becoming better? At Wifed Up Academy we focus on helping you do just that. No, you won’t get the worthless advice you would get from “experts” or “pastor” but sound advice that works.
Start by subscribing to our newsletter and going to The Future Wife Store and purchasing one of our books or courses. We want to see you win in dating, relationships, and life.
Author:Coach R. Anthony
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